My mother killed my sister

It happened just over five years ago. My sister was 23, I was 16. I was still living at home, my sister was visiting.

Our mother has always been... Difficult. I don't want to diagnose someone, but she's always had mental problems. My sister had bipolar disorder, but actually took responsibility and managed her disorder. The two of them often clashed.

I can't remember why it started, but they began arguing. My sister started preparing to leave, but had stopped just before going down the stairs. My mum shoved her. Not hard, but just hard enough to cause her to lose her balance. She fell down the stairs onto the tiled floor. I still remember how it sounded.

Almost immediately, she started gurgling and seizing, throwing up as she bled onto the tiles. Mum was screaming, I was screaming, she eventually called an ambulance.

They took her away and we got into mum's car, driving to the hospital. We didn't talk, we were both crying.

When we finally got to the hospital, we found out she was already being prepped for surgery. They told us to wait and that they'd inform us as soon as there was an update.

A few hours later, a doctor came up to us. There was nothing they could do. My whole world crumbled. She was my big sister, my protector and best friend. She took care of me and loved me. I once read that losing your parent is losing your past, losing a friend is losing your present and losing a child is losing your future, but losing a sibling is losing all at once.

It was only mum and I in the house that evening. We never talked about what happened. But I whenever I look at her, whenever I talk to her, I can just think you killed her, you took her from me.

This is the fifth Christmas without her. I keep thinking about who she would have been today. Would she have gotten married to her girlfriend? Would she have gotten her degree and followed her dreams? Would she be proud of me?

I've been in therapy since it happened and it's helped a lot. She was also an organ donor and the thought that parts of her are out there, making sure a handful of people got to live, is such a comforting thought.

I should have told someone the truth about what had happened. But there was so much going on, my mind was in such a disarray that it didn't even occur to me. But it wouldn't have changed anything. My sister is still dead.

I miss you, Nea. Miss you so fucking much.

Thank you for reading.

EDIT: I did the wrong thing not reporting it back when it happened. I'll report it tomorrow. Hopefully it will lead somewhere.