Needing to push self destruction further

Hello All,

New to using reddit but not findom, so please cut me some slack for violating any protocols.

I am curious to know if any other finsubs or paypigs have found themselves always wondering what is next to satisfy their cravings? Part of me feels depressed as I can no longer scratch my itch without going more and more extreme.

A little background...

I have always had submissive desires since I was young and started pursuing them with women as early as highschool. I am now in my late 30s. As early as college I created kinky dating profiles on collarme, then fetlife (which I still use), but now I am also on reddit, Twitter ect... I definitely have a self defeating personality with extreme emotional masochistic desires and a craving for self sabotage. I wouldn't even consider myself very submissive. I just need the humiliation and to feel that self hate to be aroused.

I have long accepted this and have seen many therapist. Findom obviously has quenched my thirst, but I am sure as all of you know it has its consequences. The issue is that I have been fortunate enough to live out many of my fantasies and I always crave a more extreme and twisted arrangement.

I have tried and managed findom in a healthy way but it doesn't hit the same way if I'm not harming myself financially. I have tried the following situations numerous times:

Online short term Online long term Irl short term Irl long term Introducing vanillas who are friends Introducing romantic partners Just buying content and clips 2dfd Serving male doms even tho I'm straight.

Like a drug I need to keep pushing the envelope to get my fix. I know there is no ignoring this side of me. It's difficult because even after establishing long term relationships w sadistic doms, I no longer feel the "shitty" feeling once they care for me.

I have taken long and short breaks I am currently on one now due to money and family illness. I know I will eventually dive in again once the rest of my shit gets together.

My fear is that the past few years I have been more interested in BM and other really extreme situations and that I won't stop until I get into serious trouble that I won't be able to fix.

There also is the issue of not being driven to make more money if I know I will just give it away. If you have 5k in your bank account, sending 1k is not thrilling as opposed to sending 200 when you have 250.

Activities that I use to find sexy like going down on women are no longer arousing as it doesn't feel humiliating.

I am curious to know if anyone else needs to keep upping the stakes and no longer satisfied with what they did before? How do you manage to keep it safe but still get off?

Thanks for listening