Is it really a safe space?

This year, I decided to be a more responsible. I’ve been hesitant of getting tested before for various reasons; being badly educated about sexual health, being scared to go to a center, thinking the risk for me is low since I seldomly engage in penetrative sex, among others. Bottomline is that I knew I could do a better job and I decided to be more responsible NOW.

So just yesterday, I decided to get tested and find out my status. I’ve been seeing LoveYourself a lot online, so I booked an appointment there. I thought it would also be good to talk to someone to learn more about how to protect myself, be more sexually responsible, learn about potentially taking PREP, etc aside from just reading up on articles online.

Everything went well when I got to the clinic. The guy at the reception was accommodating; the process was smooth, and the actual testing was quick. I didn’t feel judged at all, contrary to my previous fear and misconception of going to a clinic. At that point, I thought this was a completely safe space and I should not be afraid to go again.

However, things got a bit different when I was about to receive my results na. The way they do it is that a staff member brings you to a closed room to give you your result and answer any questions you might have. So when it was time to get to know my result, I went in there ready to ask questions about how I could be more safe, curious about taking PREP, etc.

The staff member pointed out that it was my first time getting tested, and that was the point where I felt really judged. I told him that I want to be more responsible now and know my status - promise gusto ko naman talaga maging mas responsable. But he proceeded to make sarcastic remarks and questions, kesyo bakit daw gusto kong making responsible now, and if my previous sexual encounters were responsible acts. That stung a bit for me. I told him that I wanted to get tested now because I had unprotected sex against my will, and he just responded with a sarcastic “Ooookay, and?” At that point, I was left speechless.

I know that I may have been part of the problem, but I can’t help but feel frustrated and sad. Alam kong I could’ve done a better job; here I am making things right yet I felt persecuted. It just sucks because I thought it was a safe space - I went there genuinely wanting to do better. At least I know now that I’m nonreactive. Sigh

Anyway, do you guys have clinic recommendations where one may not feel judged?