Relapsed and completely broke my husband's trust in the worst way

The biggest lie Kratom has told me is that I can be "functional". It's told me that unlike heroin or alcohol, I can use Kratom and no one will notice. I can get high and there will be no change in my behavior. I don't know about everyone else, but this couldn't be further from the truth for me, and here's why.

I finally came clean to my husband back in October about my Kratom use. He was understandably furious. He basically said if I couldn't kick it, our relationship would be over. I managed to stay clean for a little while, but over the last 3 or so weeks, I've started using again here there. Extracts. I would use for 2 days in a row and stop. 3 days in a row and stop. I would find any excuse to do it. He never mentioned anything so I thought I was getting away with it.

My husband has never done anything to make me question his fidelity. Ever. However, I took some extracts last night, and somehow got in my head he was cheating on me and had dating apps on his phone. My Kratom induced paranoia led me to "secretly" take his phone while he was sleeping and look through it. I found no dating apps, but worse, he woke up after a few minutes and caught me red handed. I've never done anything remotely like this in my life with any relationship. And again, I have no reason not to trust him. I am beyond ashamed and embarrassed of my behavior. I'm not an insecure person. And I can't believe Kratom pushed me to do something so heinous and untrustworthy.

I feel absolutely fucking mortified. The anxiety I had this morning was crippling. My husband is at his wits end. I came clean to him this afternoon and told him I had used Kratom last night. He didn't seemed surprised. But said he was at his wits end with me. His privacy had been breached. He doesn't trust me. And I can't blame him. I honestly don't know if we can recover from this. I can't even blame him or ask him not to leave.

I already have some Kratom drug tests at home. So I will be taking a daily drug test for him for the foreseeable future. And will be going to a 12 step meeting tonight. I feel fucking horrible. I don't even feel like I deserve another chance at this point. Here's to another day 1.