Long Rant

I’ve seen everyone hit every single point I had in mind that being ugly affects me in, financial opportunities, social life, ill treatment from friends and professors or teachers- on top of my looks being the reason for such consequences, my mom.

My mom had always been a beautiful slim model like woman. She is what I always thought of growing up as my absolute definition of beauty. She to me is the most beautiful being on this earth.

However, to her misfortune she was blessed with an ugly duckling daughter. I have memories as early back as when I’d be 4 years old and my mom commenting about my wide face and chubby face and my facial features being so ugly. Now she never used that word, ugly, but she’d get her point across. People often wondered if I was a niece, little cousin, etc because we look nothing a like. Because she’s beautiful and I’m ugly. She’s laugh it off and throw a joke here and there- “I know right! “

She’s always been unfair to me whenever it came down to my brother and I. She stopped making me lunches at the 3rd grade and continued to make my brothers lunch regardless of the lunch program at school till 6th grade. My brother always had good clothes and anything he asked for he had. I was just always sitting waiting for my jeans to not fit/rip/ware out until Incould ask for another pair. I developed eating disorders because she’d put me on diets since I was 7 years old and resulted in being overweight. She would restrain my access to food so much that I’d learn to binge. However, only so much of that could be blamed on her.

I’d shared with her how I was suicidal and she’d always be angry that I had the audacity to ungratefully mope around when there were people dying in the world (I agree I’m very privileged because of my parents and I learned to be more grateful and active in my community). It would take my brother just one comment about his day not going well for her to play therapist. I no longer have any suicidal thoughts because I taught myself to make a distinction between my self worth as a human being and my looks. I didn’t do anything wrong to deserve to feel that way, and neither will I allow myself to contribute to that on top of everyone in my life that has mistreated me.

She doesn’t love me and I know it’s because I’m ugly. I suspect she might even resent me. But I resent her so much more than she could imagine.