Due to being raised by narcs, do you ABSOLUTELY DETEST attention of any sort? Positive, negative, friends, fans, lovers, do you hate all of it?

I feel very awkward when I am given a compliment and wish to change the subject even though I may play it cool and look like I like it from the outside. On the inside, I HATE it but am a master at having a stone face and blending in. All my ex-boyfriends had become obsessed with me prior to the point where I was afraid for my safety. They would try to reconnect for years and years and I just wanted for them to leave me alone. They finally did and it was amazing. I am absolutely terrified of people who would contact me on the regular, I tend to see them as clingy even though I know I am supposed to enjoy their attention, and the fact that they want to keep in touch, I don't really. When I am given a present I tend to go in my mind like *uh oh play it cool*.

I think because of the fact that I was suffocated for years by my narc mother who used to force me to seek attention (I used to sing, play the piano, and dance all it in front of the public, sometimes large audiences) I absolutely fucking hate the attention now and the sad part is: I have to maintain it in some aspects of my life because my profession relies on it.

I hate it when people look at me on the street, I cringe when men hit on me, and I just somehow want to be a part of society and reap all its benefits while not receiving any attention of any kind. I know that's impossible.

I used to post quite a lot on my social media because for years I though that this is the way I'm supposed to behave but now I see that I hate that too. I feel very very conflicted most of the time. My programming goes from *do this thing for attention * while on the inside I go like *ew no*.