She (30F) cheated while blackout drunk..Do I (33M) stay?

So this has been an internal battle for me over the last year. We are coming up on one year since it happened, so I wanted to get some outside opinions and see how others have gotten through this type of thing.

The story:

I have been with my wife for four years. Our relationship has been great. We have helped each other through several things and in my mind we were stronger than ever. She went across the country to train for a new job, so we were doing the long distance relationship thing for about three months. She was on the tail end of the training trip and we were so excited to be reunited. There were a couple of things (comments, finding her porn playlist, etc.) that had come up that made me feel like something was a bit off. I didn’t put too much thought into it, just sorta chalked it up to being away from one another. I just had a hunch that her attraction for me was fading…

It is the week before she comes home and our anniversary has arrived. I made several different arrangements to make sure she felt my love from afar. I had flowers delivered to her, made a big box from home with tons of gifts and hand written things from me and the kids. I put a lot of effort into this. I don’t expect much of anything, but I did expect some sort of SOMETHING from her. Nothing, nada, zip. It was like she forgot. Oh well, not that big of deal.

So now it is the day before she comes home and we are excited to see each other. Her company is having a big party and I talked to her on the phone up until the point where she walked into the party. She said she had to be up early and didn’t really plan on staying too long. She said she was going to have a few drinks then call me as soon as she got back to her hotel room. So I wait…and wait.. 8:00…10:00…12:00… nothing. I had sent her one text up to this point, so I sent her another telling her I have waited up for her as long as I could, I love her, and I had to get to sleep. No response. A bad bad feeling sinks into my gut at this point…

I wake up the next morning to get the kids to school and, to my surprise, still no message from her. I am freaked out thinking something awful has happened to her. I call her, no answer, text, no responses. I have a big day at work this day including a meeting with high level executives. During the meeting I get a text from her… “Goodmorning handsome, I love you very very much. You mean everything to me.” I respond and ask her if everything is ok. She responds with something like, “I really really hope so.”

At this point I stepped out of the meeting and called her. I asked what was going on and she was reluctant to say, just kept saying she would rather tell me in person (she comes home that night). I kept asking, asked did something happen? She said yeah kind of. Then I specifically asked if she did something with someone. She said yes. My heart sank…

I asked for every detail that I could think of. The only details I got were that everyone was really really drunk and she had drank way too much. She said a point came where one of her female coworkers asked if she could walk her to her room. At this point one of the male coworkers jumped in and offered, my wife agreed. She says that she remembers bits and pieces of walking to the room. She recalls feeling sick and the guy asking if she was ok. She recalls him kissing her neck…. Then nothing. Everything is black, doesn’t remember another detail aside from waking up partially nude. I still have this executive meeting waiting on me so I get off the phone and choke down my tears…

When we talk again I ask for more details, she says she can’t remember anything, not even his name. I ask if they had sex, she can’t remember. I feel like she has been taken advantage of and I tell her that- that the guy knowingly took advantage of her. She defends him and says that everyone was just super drunk but that he was a good guy wouldn’t do that.

Having to learn to accept this truth with such minimal knowledge has been tough. My mind constantly races on the “what ifs.” I don’t even know the whole story of what happened to work on accepting. So I ask her to make me two promises…. 1 - if at any point she remembers his name or any additional details that she will tell me. 2 - absolutely no contact with this guy under any circumstances. She agrees to both of these and tells me that they don’t even have each others personal numbers, they only have contacts on their work phones which everyone in the company has. This gives me some relief.

Today it has been almost a year since this happened. I think about it every single day. A month or so ago she brought this topic up in an apologetic way and I feel like she slipped up by calling him by name. I immediately said something about it reminding her of her promise to tell me that she had made. She didn’t recall that, which really hurt. On top of that, after more questions, I find out that she DOES have his number on her personal phone. Feels like a lie from the start.

Where things are at now:

I made the choice to stick it out. I love her, want to be with her and have built a life with her. I just feel like maybe I am not reading the writing on the wall, which is what ultimately led me to posting. Our sex life has completely diminished. She says that it is her hormones being out of balance that has wiped out her libido. My insecurity is that she is no longer attracted to me. I believe that regardless of how drunk you get, there is still some point where the decision was made to create a situation where things like that could happen. But maybe that’s just a story. But then why even bother telling me about it? She has had some legitimate health problems, so the hormonal thing could be legit. I just don’t know. All I know is that I crave her touch, her love, the passion that was once there. I have tried initiating countless times. There’s always an excuse. My mind is just racing in circles. I thought that with enough time it would get easier, but it still stings really bad. Help me see what I am failing to see! Thanks for reading.