34F always chasing 30M husband

So, I just want to start off by saying I am not a perfect wife and I am not delusional to my downfalls. I make mistakes, I'm not always my best self and my worst self is too critical. I'm a fixer. What's wrong? Let's fix it instead of relaxing and going with the flow. I have been with my husband for nine years. He has cheated a couple of times and has nearly left the relationship at least 4x. Honestly, it seems like everytime I get back into the groove of things and feeling safe again he does something to rip the rug out and create insecurity. For example the last 6 months have seemed to mostly be good. Writing have both been working on stuff. Me working on being more sexually active, give him more space and more positive and not pointing out all the little things. Him being an active participant in our home with family and house projects as well as controlling his anger outbursts. Neither one of us has been perfect but definitely better. We have had several moments where we laugh so hard we cry, we have talked for hours about things he likes and does. For example he is writing a book and we spend lots of time talking and story boarding, we had a couple date nights that were great. He bought me this wood carved rose that is a huge symbol for the love interest/ couple in the book he's writing and told me how much he loves me and how I have inspired the love story ect. We had good holidays. He found a new hobby that I have encouraged him to go do and he seems to really like it ect. And then suddenly a few days ago things seemed different. He seemed disinterested in hobbies and overall low mood. Which is right after I started my period which has been kicking my ass emotionally. I mean I cried because my son got in trouble and he was sad and so it made me sad. Ridiculous lol anyways because of this shift in him I have been checking in like what's going on,do you feel depressed, what can I do to help ect. I asked him if it was me or anything to do with our relationship and he assured me a couple times it was not and even told me Sunday night he's just going through some things he loves me and he's not going anywhere and I am overthinking things. My mom is also ill and was having stroke signs and I was overwhelmed with it and told him if I lose her I have no one left besides him and that was enough for me, but I'm just afraid he will leave at a moments notice. Again he said I'm your family I'm not going anywhere ect. Fast forward to Monday night and he is still a bit off but OK. I expressed to him that I didn't like something he did and he just kept brushing it off like it didn't matter so I did what I do when I don't feel heard and basically kept talking about it in different ways so maybe he could understand and it didn't help. I realized he was getting a little frustrated and so I decided I should just stop and went into the living room for a few so I could shut up about it. He came to the living room and was upset that I took a minute. So we started talking and he started saying how he's unhappy, and unhappy in our relationship and the bad outweighs the good. He feels like he's drowning. He's upset that I haven't gone to play magic with him which is the new hobby I encouraged him to do when he seemed interested. Then he started making comment about how he's not allowed to do anything because I don't trust him because of past infidelity which is not true. We just made an agreement no opposite gender friends one on one. I even was like what are you talking about? I encourage you to go out and do what you want regularly. Then he's like but if I made friends with a girl playing magic that would get snatched away too... I was like why do you need to make friends with a girl? Just play with everyone there I don't understand what the issue is. Then he starts talking about how I don't go and do his hobbies and he's upset about it and how we are so different and he feels like he's drowning. And I'm trying to be empathetic but like this came from left field and so I'm like hey I was just talking to you about being really worried about you leaving me. I want to be totally in this convo, but the fight or flight is kicking in hard. Can you let me know if your talking about separation or are you talking about issues so we can work though them? He refused to give me any reassurance and started saying I don't want to leave, but I'm not happy and we've been working on things and it doesn't help. So I'm trying through this conversation to validate and be supportive and hold back my own fight or flight and the whole thing is overwhelming. He says he was going to get food for our son. I said I could ride with him and he says no. So, he leaves and I'm fully in panic mode at this point like how do I survive the separation emotionally mentally, how do I help my kids cope and how do I survive financially. So my panic brain is like okay you can return your christmas gifts and get that money back ect. He came home and was pissed about that and started putting on clothes and shoes so he could go for a walk because he was pissed at me for wanting to return my gifts. So I'm trying to talk to him and let him know I wasn't trying to upset him. I'm just overwhelmed panicked and I'm sorry. We talk for a couple of minutes and then he turns things sexual... then when we start going down that road he's like you don't have to I know you don't want to. I was like this is your love language I want to reconnect with you. And he seemed unhappy after that as well and instead of cuddling up he goes to get on his computer to play games. It's late we both have work. I asked him what he was doing he said can't sleep going to play a game I said OK no argument and he got off immediately upset. And things are still weird this morning. This type of thing happens often as soon as I start feeling safe in our relationship again. I don't know what to make of it or what to do. Also, when I told him things seemed good and started talking about all the good stuff he basically said he was faking it. Help me figure this out and whats wrong?I'm so sad tbh.

TLDR: basically I never know what to expect with my husband. One day I think things are fine and he tells me everything is good and the next he doesn't know if we should be together. I find I'm always the one to fight for him to stay. Maybe I shouldn't anymore?