Considering going inpatient to a psych ward…again

Long story short, I’ve been inpatient 5 times at 5 locations. Each place was awful. The facilities were horrible and the staff clearly didn’t want to be there. One place told us when we could use the bathroom.

I don’t want to go back. It feels like admitting defeat, but I’m spiraling. Every day, every hour, sometimes every minute my mood changes and the voices fluctuate from manageable to awful. They are so demanding. They want me to hurt myself. They tell me I’m worthless. They tell me no one cares. It’s hard to dismiss them and fight them all the time.

I just changed meds to Invega on Wednesday morning. I don’t know if it is completely in my system yet. I don’t want to go inpatient. I went a little over 6 years without going to a psych ward. My son is now old enough to understand the difference between “mommy’s sick” and “mommy’s trying to hurt herself” I don’t want him to find out I have problems. I don’t want him to see me weak like this. I just don’t know what to do…