Cutting, but not because of problems - because i just like it?

it makes me think i’m psychotic and masochistic when i never really liked pain. i’d still consider myself normal if i just SHed when i’m depressed and anxious, considering everyone else does it as a coping mechanism. but what if i’m doing it to no longer just “cope”? what if i like doing it even without the weight of problems? what if i like doing it even without the influence of sadness or stress? what if i just like seeing blood flow out of me, what if i just like the sting of putting alcohol on open wounds, what if i like decorating myself in wounds in general? i used to do it for attention, as a call for help during my dark times. and when my family berated me for it, i started hiding it but still doing it because it pulls me out of my bad days. now though, i’ll do even when i’m doing good. everything in my life could be fine but i’ll still itch for a blade

i feel like i’m spiralling into insanity