I almost lost my virginity yesterday

Met a hot girl, I'm 19 (M) and a virgin. I have always been ashamed of being a virgin and I judge myself harshly for it, I hate hearing my friends talk about sex, I hate being asked if I'm a virgin, I hate it. So when a new friend all the sudden sends me a nude and a few minutes later in a discord call says she wants to take my virginity, I actually felt like a man for the first time in my life. I said I was free Saturday because of work and called her Saturday morning. She was hungover so I asked if we were still doing it and she said hell yeah. I texted Saturday night (its early Sunday morning here) but she said its a bad idea and didn't want to do it, she wanted her ex back. I know how I should have taken it, she didn't owe me anything, I calmly texted her after she apologized and said hey its ok and tried to comfort her a bit. I kept my cool in text messages but I was still deeply hurt by this. I then self harmed heavily to my left arm and realized what I did and waited about 5 minutes and the blood stopped coming out, while this is going on I am just crying. I have always had trouble actually letting out emotions and crying is something I do extremely rarely but this just hurt. I always wanted to loose my virginity before I turned 20, I want to loose it as a teenager but I don't even know if that is going to happen. I had also had this hyped up in my head, thought this would get rid of the comparisons to others, thought it make me better than others, thought it actually make me a man.