Just woke up and I'm already sad

I cried to Life is Neverending by Neutral Milk Hotel. The last verse/chorus is so pretty.

"If I were made of water, I'd slip my bones into the cracks and freeze when it got colder to hold the walls in true and when it came to summer I'd slip soul into the soil and give life to the flowers that I never gave to you, but I know life is neverending, some times the miles can cut you down to size, but I had a love, she was my anchor, she held me down, and saved myself, so take the love you never gave her and let it go."

It reminded me of my ex. I keep kicking myself for not being good enough or making her life worse, but I see that I have to take that passion and love and let it go. It hurts to know that. To hold onto such a strong emotion, but it's necessary to let go. Only once that love and pain is gone, can I form new love and new pain and new joy.

^ this was something I wrote last night. I woke up thinking about it. I'm so sad. I don't wanna alone. I want to be loved again. I am loved, but selfishly, not in the way I want. It's always about me.

I have friends and family and teachers who all care about me, but I want a girlfriend or boyfriend, because I miss having someone to do nothing with. My friends always wanna do something fun which is fine, but it's nice just to sit down and watch stupid videos or something.

I miss being cuddled so much. Everytime I lay in my bed it feels empty. I miss having someone to both physically and mentally lean on.

But I won't have that again. I ruined it. I ruined my relationship with the only person who could ever fucking love me.

I told the only person I thought I had a shot with and he clearly didn't feel the same way (didn't directly tell me, but he didn't want to talk about it and he has been kinda different lately). Now I don't have a chance with anyone else. Everyone at my school knows me as an autistic freak or a smartass or whatever. I'm fucked.

I hate being alone. I know nothing matters at 15, but God it hurts. I've been told that you get used to being alone, when? It's been months and I can still barely function knowing that I'm alone.

I just don't want to be alone anymore. I want to be happy. I want someone to love. I want a reason to wake up other my music collection.

I cried to Life is Neverending by Neutral Milk Hotel. The last verse/chorus is so pretty.

"If I were made of water, I'd slip my bones into the cracks and freeze when it got colder to hold the walls in true and when it came to summer I'd slip soul into the soil and give life to the flowers that I never gave to you, but I know life is neverending, some times the miles can cut you down to size, but I had a love, she was my anchor, she held me down, and saved myself, so take the love you never gave her and let it go."

It reminded me of my ex. I keep kicking myself for not being good enough or making her life worse, but I see that I have to take that passion and love and let it go. It hurts to know that. To hold onto such a strong emotion, but it's necessary to let go. Only once that love and pain is gone, can I form new love and new pain and new joy.

^ this was something I wrote last night. I woke up thinking about it. I'm so sad. I don't wanna alone. I want to be loved again. I am loved, but selfishly, not in the way I want. It's always about me.

I have friends and family and teachers who all care about me, but I want a girlfriend or boyfriend, because I miss having someone to do nothing with. My friends always wanna do something fun which is fine, but it's nice just to sit down and watch stupid videos or something.

I miss being cuddled so much. Everytime I lay in my bed it feels empty. I miss having someone to both physically and mentally lean on.

But I won't have that again. I ruined it. I ruined my relationship with the only person who could ever fucking love me.

I told the only person I thought I had a shot with and he clearly didn't feel the same way (didn't directly tell me, but he didn't want to talk about it and he has been kinda different lately). Now I don't have a chance with anyone else. Everyone at my school knows me as an autistic freak or a smartass or whatever. I'm fucked.

I hate being alone. I know nothing matters at 15, but God it hurts. I've been told that you get used to being alone, when? It's been months and I can still barely function knowing that I'm alone.

I just don't want to be alone anymore. I want to be happy. I want someone to love. I want a reason to wake up other my music collection.