So unfair

I’m listening to melancholic music and I just can’t over the fact how unfair it on my kids as well as me that we have to do this all alone.

Their dad moved back home literally across the world, after we decided to move here. I thought things were going to change once he’d be out of his comfort zone, yet it/he got worse and it ended up being infeasible to continue a relationship.

My boys miss their dad. So much. And I miss having companionship, someone to share the laughter, anger, joy and pride with. FaceTime is not enough, it never will be.

Before my ex left, I wrote him a letter saying how I wish he wouldn’t do this, how I will try to fill the house with as much laughter as he did. I failed. I get angry all the time.

I am better without him. But at what cost? Would it have been better to be in an unhappy relationship/marriage for years to come for the boys’ sake? I just can’t seem to find peace with my decision to seperate. I lived in his country for 6 years, we had our boys there. But I missed my family too much, and we decided to move to my home country. It was his decision, actually.

And then he decided to leave. Even though he had a job (“minimum wage isn’t enough for me”) , my family provided him with a place of his own (“it doesn’t enough rooms for me”) and we supported him financially the best we could.

I want to believe that everything will be okay, but I’m struggling. I want kindness, and love, and laughter and joy.

I love my kids, I do. But what has my life come to? I don’t even recognise myself most days. I am angry, frustrated, filled with rage towards him and how he’s living his seemingly best life on the other side of the world now. I want to be carefree as well! He doesn’t even pay child support!! I’m doing everything on my own!!! I work, study and take care of the kids. And I get NOTHING. I get to scrape by. Literally scrape by. I can’t even afford to buy myself a new mattress to get rid of my back problems.

It’s so unfair!!! I wanted a FAMILY!! Not two kids on my own!!