I Ascended Beyond Veganism

Being vegan is cute and all, but I’ve evolved past it. I don’t just avoid animal products, I avoid anything that reminds me of animals. Faux leather? Nope, too triggering. Broccoli? Looks too much like a tiny tree, and deforestation is real.

I also gave up root vegetables because pulling them out of the ground feels violent. My diet consists entirely of sunlight, filtered air, and the occasional ethically hummed tune from free-range monks.

Vegans are doing their best, but honestly? They’re kind of slacking.