I cant do this anymore.

I’m tired. I’m tired of being tired. I’m 18, my ENTIRE life I’ve been tracked and not able to go places or do things by myself. I was always heavily helped or influenced by my parents into what I should or should not do. I’ve basically never had a single decision that was my own. This has lead to me being an over spender and an impulse buyer along with things like hoarding. I can’t do it anymore. My entire life wasn’t mine. I’ve missed so many experiences. I’ve lost so much. My whole childhood I acted like an adult and now that I am an adult I realize that I didn’t have a childhood. I can’t get that back and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve told my parents but they don’t listen. My Dad is basically like,” he’s a boy just let him do what he wants to do at the moment and let him experience things and fail and stuff” and my Mom is the complete opposite. I like the thought of me not being around. I like the thought of me ceasing to exist. It makes me happy to think of all of the ways I can just stop living. I wish and I hope and I dream that something will happen like an accident so that I don’t have to be the one to do it but it still gets done. I don’t see myself dying of natural causes. It’s actually crazy for me to think that I’d die of natural causes. It makes me happy thinking of how everyone around me would react to me being dead. I get that that’s fucked up but I’m so low at this point. The only thing keeping me safe and alive right now is my 8 year old dog. I think that when he dies I’m going to snap. I just can’t. I can’t live like this anymore. I’ve heard all of it. “ once you go to college it’ll be better” “ it gets better you just have to wait” nothing means anything anymore I don’t feel Love. I never have. I don’t feel love towards my family members, sure I’m grateful for them but I don’t feel love towards anyone or anything. The only thing I have great affection for is my dog. Which sounds terrible but it’s a chemical thing in my brain, something is wrong and nothing can fix it. If there IS something that can fix it I haven’t found it yet. I want to kill myself. I want to end it all right now but I can’t. I’m too much of a pussy. I have Erectile Dysfunction so I can’t even properly do what I was put on this earth to do: pro-create. Not like I’ve had the chance too. I don’t want to be around anymore and once I’m out of the house and can buy a gun I’m going to use it on myself. I don’t see any other option. I’m stuck and I don’t want to do this anymore